My Fear And Rage Stain Everything & Everyone I Love

by Those Silent Houses

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credits

released March 31, 2017

People - All Music And Engineering
Timeframe - October 2015 / March 2017

Cover art : "The Monster" by Christopher Lumpp
@Christopherlumppphotography

For K.

"Where has your beloved gone, O most beautiful among women? Where has your beloved turned, That we may seek him with you?" "My beloved has gone down to his garden, To the beds of balsam, To pasture his flock in the gardens And gather lillies. I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine, He who pastures his flock among the lillies." Song of Songs 6:1-3

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Those Silent Houses Rocky Mount, North Carolina

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Track Name: I've Forgotten God's Love
hey. it's been a while since i've seen your face.
it's been a while since i had so much space to think,
it's been a long time coming.
been tip-toed on a tight rope with no safety net in place
above mothers and daughters, their husbands and fathers,
the wars fought within and without.
since i can't shake my selfishness & death is coming just as quick for me-
cumbersome and proud-
i push myself back down.

but hey, it's just a little further down everyday.
it's just a little more than we think we can take,
but only just a little.
i know we'll be fine, know we'll find a new way.
somehow always manage to crawl out from the damage,
reset our bones stand back up.
but the air in my lungs feels too pure for my blood
and the water's been rising for months,
wanna spill my guts.

hey. believe that everything will be ok,
believe that everything is penciled in & gray.
it's been a long time coming,
gunmetal storms rolling in on the bay.
clean your closets and gutters and close up all your shutters
don't trust the knock at the front.
lately the hands round our wrists are our own,
constricting and shameful and cuffs with locks rusted shut.
i'm a lock rusted shut.

pieces of the path i have followed
constantly rearrange into tomorrow.
can't ever commit, not ever not spent.
the price on my head from the surplus i've borrowed.
so whittle me out till i'm hollow.
my passing leaves not even me with sorrow,
it won't ever relent, says don't ever repent.
just want it out from underneath my skin,
but hey.
Track Name: Feel Nothing
burning a hole in my brain, my neck & it's nape, my soul & it's ache.
rubber and metal and tape hole me in the frame, i bend but won't break.
shove it all into my face, decanting my grace to spike it with mace.
bottle it up by the case to sell it for shame, put me in my own place.
i know the end is coming; i'm not even running.
waiting on the sky to split in half & God to rip me right out through it's crack.
i don't deserve the option to proceed with caution
already too many wrecks too often, too many hearts too hard to soften.

burning a hole in my brain.

i know the end is coming, i'm not even running.
either kill me or fill me with something, everything feels like nothing.

you there standing in the light, ask myself whether i think i will survive.
if you really wanted in, i've been tucking littles lies into all my family and my friends
i've been thinking about the brink & the implications held within,
breaking sweat while taking stock of each and every single one of my sins,
it's burning a hole in my brain.
Track Name: A Signal Fire (Coda)
there's a storm walking in, i can smell it on the wind
like the smoke from a signal fire that i can't see.
wish that all my crippled feats could fix their joints, walk out of me,
before i buy a cane and beat them to death, i would sell their corpses, buy a sober head.
then i could trade you every single lovely thing that I lacked
for any honest words to say, you can still find me chained out back.
i'd sacrifice my freedom, give my bones away
to know from closest safest distance that you'd be okay, always.
always thinking of you then, on the ropes and the dividends,
of the payments that i've yet to make, you might not even need.
if you pick up will i speak? if you call will i pretend not to see
so i don't have to know?
can't seem wrap my skull around how to be quiet
in loud situations, and these deafening spaces full of thoughts
that talk in volumes that cannot be registered in decibels,
i'm hard pressed to pick from any to be singled out from the rest as the best of those.

warning surely comes before destruction.
and Pride is what persuades us to ignore.
how mine murdered both of us, if i listen close enough,
i can still hear your heart beat beating through the floor.

so the house the settling in the foundation of it's king
but my angels are hanging down in the drain and my hands just won't come clean.
is there some chance i could be, more than forgiven more than freed,
more like welcomed to sit at the table again, to speak with honor, to be of and in.
a son & brother only loving to the people he meets,
think thoughts made up only of joy, say prayers only of peace for each.
could i let go of the damage that i can't unwind?
will you always be an echo that my head can't leave behind?
it's deafening.

warning surely comes before destruction.
And Pride is what persuades us to ignore.
how mine murdered both of us, if i listen close enough,
I can still hear your heart beat beating through the floor.

they're coming in with their hammers and their handcuffs
and pulling up the boards.
i called the police, and i told them
that i could hear your heartbeat beatin' through the floor.

this is a signal fire;
you should come investigate.
don't be scared, i'm terrified.
a body many leagues deeper than 'afraid'.
this is a signal fire;
if you can hear me can you write me back?
send me something i can read.
to keep my soul on track.

this is a signal fire.
Track Name: Bury Me In Syracuse
what do you want from me? i'm coming after you.
further apart from me and further overdue.
keep your hands on me, i haven't got a clue
what it is that you want from me, it's coming into view.

what if you wanted-
Track Name: Steady Hands
i know that you have steady hands in shaky places
in ways that i will never understand, but always feel the need to.
and i know that a little faith will go a long way.
i just don't know if i have what it takes to make through the gates.

i pushed you one more mile away for every inch that you gave
but i could never fill your place with this world.

'these woods are lovely, dark & deep,
but i have promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep...
and miles to go before i sleep...'

i pushed you one more mile away for every inch that you gave,
but i could never fill your place with this world.

i've heard you're waiting at the top of the trees,
but i just can't climb anymore;
my limbs are weak, oh won't you meet me halfway
and pull me up off the floor.
i'd be in total disbelief
and entirely more relieved than ever before.
i'd heed your every single wish, i'd feed the poor & recieve the rich,
i'd try my best to keep you from ever being misunderstood again.

i pushed you one more mile away for every inch that you gave,
but i could never fill your place with this world.
Track Name: Like Twin Stones
full collapse, total loss
rub my knees- tired taut

think about the night you kept repeating that you loved me till you cried.

you'd already stayed late,
still had that 3 hour drive,
so we stayed on the phone your whole way home and then some.

i am a stone now, keep a rope around my throat now
just in case you wanna wring my neck i understand,
it's more than what i deserve,
i am a ghost now, haunt the water where we both drowned.
feel i'm not alone.
Track Name: Kareening
this is how this song ends;
a dead deer lying in the road makes me swerve and lose control
and i careen right off a bridge into the river.
but i hope that no one lets you know...
i heard you moved to Oklahoma, chose to stay after you saw the first snowfall.
was it gorgeous? did it make the war seem worth it?
did it remind you of some greater purpose you'd forgot?
with my chest wrapped around the engine block,
i have the faintest final thought of my best friend
and how long it's been since we've even talked.
maybe we shouldn't talk.

i know i won't know what i want until i'm dead and gone,
so i'll take hammers to my habits up against these walls and break out.
shouldn't need your voice of reason to remind me that a sober head alone
is not enough to keep me from that hazy glow i slave out for.
does my name still leave a sour aftertaste in your mouth?
you've got your halo from the crown, and mine is buried in the lost and found.
wish i didn't have to crash this car to figure out what i need right now.

that's the sound of the last train home.
my body sloshes down in the cold station seat.
I can hear October whistling through my widening cracks.
my neck, my brain, my knees, my knuckles and my back.
the things i carry and the things that i lack.
2 photos of my parents and the 2 i have of us.
one in front of a waterfall in the thawed out April sun,
and one in your car in a downpour
on your knees facing backwards in the passenger, smiling,
staring in my eyes in the perfect lighting,
we were so happy and in love that we'd been laughing & crying.
you were so glad to have found me then.

i know i won't know what i want until i'm dead and gone,
so i'll take hammers to my habits up against these walls and break out.
shouldn't need your voice of reason to remind me that a sober head alone
is not enough to keep me from that hazy glow i slave out for.
does my name still leave a sour aftertaste in your mouth?
you've got your halo from the crown, and mine is buried in the lost and found.
wish i didn't have to crash car to figure out what i need right now,
so what do i need right now?

somehow, someway, somewhere, someday, i will see you.
and there will be a different kind of light (a different kind of light in my eyes)
there is something in the way your voice can part me like a sea
that left my front door open wide in the middle of the night.
i was grasping into oceans all for anchors.
cut my fingers on their rust,
saw the sharks of your distrust begin to circle,
and charge the center all at once
i always knew that it would come.

this is how this song ends;
a dead deer lying in the road makes me swerve and lose control.
Track Name: Water On The Bridge
am i alone now? well, i guess it's what i wanted,
and even more important it's what everyone deserves2.
don't come near me. even my mama says she fears me,
can i dig myself out of this hole in the earth?
i'm entrenched in the drugs and the cyclical lack thereof,
caught between the 'who' i'm made to be and the 'what' i have become
it's all water on the bridge swept underneath the rug,
i'm banging on the door but i'm not sure if it will ever open up.

i know you love me with blood by the gallon that forgives.
but i don't want an ounce of it, i deserve all the consequences.
i'm losing everyone, sick and tired all the time.
just wanna throw myself away into that all-consuming fire

& burn bright, never smolder. live a new life without the stacks on my shoulders,
pave a different kind of road- one i can't walk on my own- before i'm any older.

i can't stay here. will i always be so sorry
to the people i can't say i'm sorry to?
i can't stand it. to be the liar and the bandit,
it ends up stealing each and every part of you.
all good times and all redemption, every story,
every mention of your name sees your good intentions atrophy.
i stand straight up in the crossfire, wrap my body in the trip wires,
i lay every sword and rifle at your feet, i just wish i could hear you speak.

i know you're trying to be as honest as you can
without giving up your plans, i know that all my worry is irrelevant.
our stars are lining up, when you stop looking you'll see the string
running back and forth between every moment and every thing,

so burn bright, never smolder. live a new life without the stacks on your shoulders,
pave a different kind of road- one you can't walk on your own- before you're any older.
I wanna burn bright, never smolder. live a new life without the stacks on my shoulders,
pave a different kind of road- one i can't walk on my own- before i'm any older.

the right words dammed in my throat
most times when i speak, think i'd be better off to choke.
most times when i fear, think it might do me good to trust,
rip out all my parasites & shake off all my dust.

give me a heart of gold
send me to amend all the lies i have told,
give me a deathless soul
to tell me you love me, i have always known.
Track Name: O My Strength, Be Not Thou Far From Me
past participles; i've been jaded and i have shaded
so long & so far. now i am changing, without waiting.

i am not afraid of anything anymore

oh, kingdom come down on me, i hear your kingdom comes for free

but the walk costs everything. i am listening
for you, so willingly, you are whispering.
and i, ungrateful still, with no worries, in no hurry,
my hands full every year, never burning, cold or yearning.

will i be so ashamed of everything evermore?

oh, kingdom come down on me, i hear your kingdom comes for free

so shoot all your flares up over-top the burning sea,
i'm floating face up on the surface with the block between my teeth.
i took the fight that i was given & lashed it right out from my bones.
the waves slam up against my wounds, your fingers curling around my soul...

i can almost hear you...
Track Name: Everybody Dies
everybody dies. everybody cracks a smile sometimes
between our endless crimes & nothing ever feeling right,
everybody walks a slight crooked line.
everybody fights. everybody learns to hide in plain sight.
holding in the knife that's keeping us alive
when everyone's already meant to die,

just accept it, don't cry.
why waste time that you could spend standing out beneath the lights?

everybody dies, but not everybody gives unto others their whole life.
not everybody finds that far off peace of mind
made of every stitch of space and every thread of time.
everybody cries just like the one you love smiled
when they heard your voice for the first time
there's an empty lock in me and you'll always have the key,
i swear i always see you coming down the line,

but i'm not sure, i'm blind.
i've been eating, sleeping, drinking, thinking of you all the time.
& and i'm not sure what i'll find,
but i'll follow all these promises, i have faith in the signs.

everybody dies. i won't go out before i scream it aloud into the sky:
all that eats at me will forever ever be
just a bunch of pieces broken to arrange a better life.
everybody tries; everybody pushes till the day that they die,
& everybody dies,
pushing up against the night falling down so softly onto our eyes.